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ARMs revisited

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Hi Aim, Rheaah and others

Going to jump in and add my 2 cents. As I read these posts, it made me think how easy it is to go around living our lives disconnected despite whether we think we are or not. And I think because what we are talking about here is basically the unraveling of many generational disconnection experiences, and that our own ability to connect is determined on our internal and external ARMs, as well as those ARMs experiences from whom we are closest too, are ARMs just a normal part of the growth and development?  I think if we are to attain our HQ and CQ, we need to agree (or do we? I would say we do need to agree and argue towards a truth where there is no violence towards another because I believe any fundamental truth towards HQ or CQ development requires the right conditions) that it is through connection in where growth and healing occurs.

Thus, the more healthier, whole, and safe we are, the less likely we will rely on our defense mechanisms (can you imagine a world in where the poverty, violence, oppression experiences are limited?). But, because we are products of our locations and circumstances, our ARMs practices/experiences is dependent on those whom we surround ourselves with. And whether we have the means to control or not control our environments... I am struggling with the term control, but what i am trying to say is that our connection abilities and experiences are interdependent on how much toxicity we are exposed too during critical healing moments, and for some, this luxury is not possible when you are always in survival mode.

I have seen many well intended professional, knowledgeable healers who end up doing more harm to those whom they serve because of their simplistic views of healing, their justification for inequality/violence, and their justification that the spiritual realms of what it means to be human has no place in evidenced based science practice. Likewise, those who use alternative methods of healing, ignore evidenced based studies because it doesn't include the spiritual aspects that they see as being fundamental to their paradigm views. However, any effective psycho-social-spiritual theory (PSST) must always include our motivations, our intentions, our experiences, and our environments all while being committed to the highest ethical principles. There also needs to be in any healing paradigm, the need to be grounded, inclusive, and I would argue from a multidisciplinary approach oppose to “silo” understandings of problem solving. As we can see in this and in the other discussions, until we shift our ways of knowing and being, ARMs will always be part of, and thought of, and lived/practised as our normalized adaptation experiences. This is where I am at with this subject matter...

G

"I think if we are to attain our HQ and CQ, we need to agree (or do we? I would say we do need to agree and argue towards a truth where there is no violence towards another because I believe any fundamental truth towards HQ or CQ development requires the right conditions) that it is through connection in where growth and healing occurs."

I wholeheartedly agree that without argument -- violence, resentment, holding on to anger at any human being in this planetary drama will not fix my situation and am glad these generational disconnection experiences are drawing to a close, it's the best thing ever. All that ideology of who gets to be rich/poor/ considered part of a 'favored' ethnic group (depending on where one lives in the world) are playing both sides of the same toxic coin anyway.

"..But, because we are products of our locations and circumstances, our ARMs practices/experiences is dependent on those whom we surround ourselves with. And whether we have the means to control or not control our environments... I am struggling with the term control, but what i am trying to say is that our connection abilities and experiences are interdependent on how much toxicity we are exposed too during critical healing moments, and for some, this luxury is not possible when you are always in survival mode..."

How about, the phrase, 'mitigating outcomes (in various unpredictable environments)'. Did you mean to say that the word 'control' in this context, could be too aggressive?

"I have seen many well intended professional, knowledgeable healers who end up doing more harm to those whom they serve because of their simplistic views of healing, their justification for inequality/violence, and their justification that the spiritual realms of what it means to be human has no place in evidenced based science practice... There also needs to be in any healing paradigm, the need to be grounded, inclusive, and I would argue from a multidisciplinary approach oppose to “silo” understandings of problem solving. As we can see in this and in the other discussions, until we shift our ways of knowing and being, ARMs will always be part of, and thought of, and lived/practiced as our normalized adaptation experiences. This is where I am at with this subject matter."

Tell me about it. (This part is lengthy for a valid reason, sorry.)

Hopefully some of this illustrates your points, Gina.

Part of last year and the beginning of this year, I've run into 3 counseling professionals who say in one breath how people are to manage strong feelings, find solutions, etc.,  and empathize with  me how to difficult it is to feel alone when not being supported and in another breath or text format --say things they shouldn't.

There was one older lady in her private practice who had this habit of talking about their parent's difficult relationship with them, but her energy screams, "I still hate the woman" and not concentrate on listening to me showing her the world I lived in internally and externally from my eyes, on top of explaining things to me in the tone a parent speaks with a child.  I had come to her due to dealing with a crappy lead supervisor at work and I read him the Riot Act on how to address people properly without making me feel stupid and poking at my self esteem unnecessarily.

After resolving the thing myself I found that I wasn't the only one who felt like that at work and removed myself from the project at work after some conversations with supervisors and such and I have been better ever since. Anyway, I had to break it down to her verbally and in an email, respectfully that she wasn't hearing me and requested to try another approach, that was the end of working with her. I didn't want to hear about her mother since I didn't want to talk about mine from the outset, either.

Another was at a women's center an much older lady with LCSW after her name . I was attending a free group workshop to figure out what other cool things I can do with my life such as personal values, supports to seek after, etc., but I kept getting emotionally triggered when none of it was aimed at me directly, but it reminded me of things I was so invalidated for, I explained to her that there was feelings of loss.

She acknowledged it a bit, I can't specifically remember how about 'somatic responses', but I felt she was limited but did mention to seek other help and not mention to drop out of the group. With each progressing week, I dreaded going to this weekly workshop until the fourth attendance neared, I had enough and dis- enrolled myself.

I had mentioned about trying EMDR as a therapy in passing an earlier time and locating one. In an email reply, she went on to say how many sessions I would need of that type before I would see an improvement, then I called her out --respectfully about finding this statement unacceptable, unprofessional and a bit arrogant, since she was just a facilitator and will naturally see things and have her own opinions. However,  it was amiss to make a statement like that as if I submitted to getting a psych eval from her, got no diagnosis and she verbalized a treatment plan.  I stated that no one will determine anything about my emotional healing process and I will pick who gets to do the evaluation, etc. and that it's best to keep her opinions to herself.  Then she wanted to know why I was angry. How could she not see that?

The third one was another with the MSW suffix at the same women's center.  We got along great in the beginning and shared our thoughts about the book Dr. Satz wrote agreeing that there are multiple layers of toxicity in the world causes suffering, and doctors have no right putting people in boxes and think one is faking, or be treated differently if one is from a different background or ignoring that The System plays a big part in it.  That setup was great for at least 2-3 meetings though, and there was an offer of another group workshop to benefit from in a more holistic way but will be facilitated by her and there would be another colleague present to observe. I initially signed up for it but didn't like the idea of my healing process looking like a spectator sport just so that someone can get internship credits or something. I didn't tell her that but that's what I felt.

We were going about assessing how I have been handling myself emotionally and my history and she blurted out something like, "oh, people don't open up and share that happens to black families a lot."

Everything in me froze and tensed up. I felt that time had stopped and I responded with a gracious sternness I told her," If any human being, especially a child is in an environment where there is no feeling of safety or trust, why bother reaching out when the outcomes of disappointment happen again and again, this happens in any culture and leave my race out of it, that has nothing to do with it.   This counselor immediately admitted her error and her pride being hurt in the midst of her profuse apology, choked up in tears.  In my eyes, the damage was done, my nerves felt raw, frayed and numb and I cancelled a future participation of a workshop. I was beyond done, no more cares to give about using this avenue her or anyone else in that building.  In spite of being offered a Latina counselor, I politely declined making a decision to not risk again like that.

In spite of the 'frayedness' /anger/irritation I felt in my body after all that we talked about prior and turning that way, I understood why she said that on a few levels: her class background, she had to be at least 30 years old to progress that far in her education due to her economic means; the biased textbooks she may have used during all that study to get to where she is, and possibly 'unaddressed or unhealed personal biases' overlay for a lack of a better description.      I found the women center's online Annual Report on the cultural demographics of women serviced, they obviously should have known better, really.  It took me about 2 weeks to not feel frayed when I think about it, I felt resolute since yesterday because any type of boundary/healing visualization I did and recalled during that time was done.

This brought me into  a good space to relay what I experienced and submit a formal complaint about both counselors, including email correspondences,  stating that I am more than physical, with mental and emotional faculties I have a spiritual component and how taxing it is dealing with an already frayed nervous system and dealing with this other nonsense, and can't stand being disrespected because of what I look like or what I'm expected or assumed to behave in a certain way, or someone tacking on outcomes without appropriate due processes.   There is a strong need for mandatory cultural competency and a very long overdue upgrade on the counseling dynamics by using the LP website.

Titles, honorifics, appellations, suffixes, prefixes in front or behind a person's name means absolutely nothing unless a person has actually, painfully worked on themselves and healed from their own personal crap, in the good, bad and the ugly. I will just have to straight out the gate, zero cares graciously given-- ask if they have done so. Good help is hard to find, unless one asks the right questions. After that I dropped the idea of participating in group workshops, it's not therapy anyway, part of me is also considering not to further seek out any real therapists.

Perhaps I could do muscle testing if it is a proven, effective science -- ask my body what triggers I have. My patience feels tapped.

I was doing this all in the effort to find a better muggle job that pays better by finding out what I really gravitate towards and it doesn't have to be a corporate job, and find a workaround for the triggers I know and do not know about. I desire another occupation that resonates with me without feeling any self doubt about it.  There's this part of me that feels like all the invalidations and perceived losses in opportunities and other experiences earlier in life need to be addressed before I do anything else about building a 'life' as I would like to be-- if I 'knew' what it can look like on a core level.

The things people say and do are really unpredictable and I hate having my guard up all the time because... it. is. tiring.  These experiences make me feel like I'm not safe around anyone, no matter how many boundary visualizations I do.  (Perhaps there are political factors currently running amok in my country so perhaps it's exacerbating it.)

Don't get me wrong, I was able to change the way I responded to that supervisor before which eventually led to me changing my environment at work and that supervisor doesn't say much to me unless it is necessary, and he appears to attempt to speak with better care; it's a start.

Gina,

Your questions posed a half hour ago showed up in the email and not in the forum, I'll add my thoughts here while that's adjusted. Let me know where to repost this entry.

What immediately came to my mind on how to weave an example to explain how this USA drama right now, is to use the old story of "The Emperor Wears No Clothes" but expand it to ..."How the Emperor Became Naked"

It sounds humorous but yeah, it's too painfully real right now in the scheme of things in the USA (new acronym --the United S**tshow of America --for the 3rd time).

This can build upon explaining the anatomy of a person with a high narcissistic spectrum, with regards to their family dynamic of origin and how this person throughout one's life built oneself through the ranks of business, politics, collaborators, etc. and the effects the person has upon that position /office/ the media/ the masses.

This can describe the type of emperor who is void of a large degree of the following: awareness, connection to their heart, common sense, empirical sense, and certainly has already 'given the middle finger' to evidence-based science.

Another challenge is broaching the opportunity of healing to the person -- who already thinks and barely feels one has need of nothing, without feeling the backlash.

My country has been built off the lives, livelihood, blood, life-force from every sentient being for all this time is actually narcissistic ideologies. Also within every cultural group has within their own groups the 'flying monkeys' to pit each other against each other (triangulation) even those outside of it to keep others from working collectively to beat the system and heal.

Hi Reaah

I deleted that post because I reread it and was trying to formulate my thoughts. Below is the gist of that post:

Hey Reaah and anyone interested in this discussion...
There are a lot of points you make, and in time, I hope we can address them as I know others have experienced the same as you and I.
I was jotting down some notes the other night after reflecting on some of my client experiences, reading the LP posts, and watching the impeachment trial in your country, and it made me realize that I need to come up with metaphors/short stories/essays that address mental health issues in a way that people can understand, relate to, and reflect as they try to figure out why they feel so much hurt, pain, and distrust. Because discussing ARMs is complex, (but it doesn't have to be), in order for it to be digestible, we have to accept that there does require a level of knowledge, and for some, the truth can be right in front of them, but for whatever reasons, many others will not be able to see the true reasons we employ ARMs. Your post made me realize that what you are saying, have experienced, and are witnessing is a society in where people do not know what healing is, nor what is involved with healing. So we just need a way to make people see and understand the reasoning behind our own ARMs and why we engage in them.

As Mike and I try to flush out our theory of ARMs, it made me realize that what we are actually writing/researching/discussing is a spiritual humanistic theory of understanding. I say understanding rather than intelligence because the term intelligence is loaded with eurocentric/colonial baggage. Our concerns about healing, spiritual understanding, truth etc., is that in order to heal, there has to be some kind of understanding/comprehension of what it is you are healing from, and for many of us, trying to figure this out at a deeper level can be so challenging. And because so much of our socialization is rooted in traumatic experiences, past and present, many of us, just settle in our limited abilities towards healing and or become jaded/disconnected knowing that the professional helping professions just don't get it, so we learn to employ ARMs as a way to cope. The problem is that the more we know, we learn, and the more we know and learn, the more we feel and experience truths. And for me, the more we learn, we realize that we cannot unlearn what we have learned and this makes it very hard to cope when everyone else around us is stuck. Hence, we project, deflect, put our proverbial heads up our you know what!

I am currently trying to write a paper/book on how to heal a narcissistic capitalist. Because Mike and I, and others out there who are trying to connect the proverbial life dots, most of us who do heal, are indeed quite conservative i.e. when we have worked our asses off to find semblances of peace and balance, we become almost militant in our emotional and psychological safety and learn to healthily self preserve - this is key, as this is my contribution to the LP how to self preserve healthily. When Mike and I say, or suggest that in order to progress through your spiritual healing, you need to protect yourself and limit how much toxicity you allow into your personal spaces, the need for firm boundaries and best communication practices are a must. But, as you and others on our site have stated or know, the push back when we employ healthier ways of being can be traumatic.

So when we do this, i.e. create our safe spaces and places, most of us do become conservative i.e. we protect ourselves from toxic soup environments, just as those others who subscribe to traditional conservative views, i.e. those who buy into spiritual understandings that prop up the traditional capitalist merits and views. We become resistant to their BS and they become resistant or threatened to I guess what they see as our BS. The point here that I am trying to make is that, ARMs are our own way of navigating towards some kind of peace. The irony is that the more the truth is in our face, the more we either embrace it or revert back to our ARMs ways of dealing and coping.

G

Reaah

In response to your last post. That is the point I think you and I are making is that unless we can address our experiences, our histories, the ways in which our truths and those of our ancestors truths have been suppressed, oppressed, and silenced, then our ability to identify, understand, and process our ARMs actions/reactions will always be limited. And when the healers are stuck, and blindly leading the blind, then where are the checks and balances? There are no real checks and balances because we are always being held in our psychological, emotional, physical, gender, economic and spiritual enslavement.

Listened to Steve Bannon on Bill Maher's show this morning and I hate to admit this, but he gets it. He gets that people can only handle so much truth. When the truth starts to make people to be accountable, responsible, and ethical, because people have been led to believe that only the special can really see the truth i.e. our "right/white/male" masters, the rest of us, end up resigning and resorting to ARMs instead of confronting truths. It is easier to either react or become passive i.e. succumb to being beaten down, engage in our ARMs, instead of actually doing something about them. And because we have societies/economies that are rooted in our inequality experiences, there really is no safe place to explore ourselves because these so called safe places are designed directly and indirectly to support the exploitative/darwinstic/eurocentric/patriarchical ideological systems that keep the truths hidden. I don't mean to sound like a paranoid person, but seriously, even our slave masters are stating truths that our so called enlightened, knowledgeable leaders are not able to admit or state.

G

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