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Ben's Healing Journal


I got into an argument with the one teacher at the yoga place where I go. I have been going there every Sunday morning for some time now, and studying yoga has been going so good.

But the one teacher there really bothers me, and I have had trouble with him several times. He isn't a "bad" guy or anything like that, but it is difficult for me respect him as a teacher. He has a very intellectual and structured understanding of yoga, and seems to have the inability to connect with other people or just "be." Everything seems to be constrained by his need to mentally categorize things.

He is definitely interested in yoga + spiritual type stuff, but doesn't really exemplify yoga (connection) in a true sense.

Normally, the main teacher is there, and I really enjoy learning from him. But once in a while, only the guy I am talking about is teaching, and that is what happened this past weekend.

The 'energy' of the whole thing was off, and the whole element of laughter or fun was completely missing from the class.

Then he started talking about how 'true abundance is found in the 5th chakra', and how even the very poor could 'tune into' the wisdom of the "5th chakra" to understand that everything is happening for a reason, and that life will always teach you your lessons, etc.

i have gotten a lot better about ignoring things like that, but for some reason I spoke up and started arguing back and forth with the teacher. That in and of itself sort of triggered me, because I had previously gotten kicked out of another yoga studio for arguing with teachers.

I have noticed that when connected you are very sensitive to other people's energies, and interacting with people who are disconnected (especially when they are trying to fake it) is very uncomfortable.

Additionally, I realize that i have gotten to the point where I spend a lot of time in 'connected flow states', where life is very fun, and everything sort of just flows. And i think when I am around the teacher I am talking about, he KNOCKS ME OUT of my flow state, and it really bothers me May the people of this world be free.

I 'cleared the air' with my yoga teacher by sending him an apology email. The guy was OK about it, and accepted my apology gracefully, but did acknowledged that I was "a distraction" in class.

He is probably correct: when it comes to the old energy spirituality of the teachers, I am going to just have to bite my tongue. I think there is a "time and a place", and within the context of their classes, I am there to learn as much as I can... and to just ignore the rest.

And instead of trying to argue with anybody, what i need to do is to keep my "eye on the prize", which is the fact that I am getting closer and closer to become a yoga teacher myself. And once I get there, I will be in a position to "infuse" my classes with the new energy spirituality that I am familiar with.

But for now, I want to keep in mind that the main prerequisite for me to reach my goal is for me to continue to strengthen and make more systematic my own practice of yoga.

And if I have to sit through a little bit of 'old energy' spirituality, or deal with some disconnected teachers as part of the path to get there, then so be it. May the people of this world be free.

"field" report of recent [spwiki]Connection Event[/spwiki] s


Recently, I have been experiencing dramatic and overwhelming connection experiences. while profound, they were actually experienced in sort of "easy-going way."

The experiences were intense, and usually make me cry-- but I don't experience them in a negative, or really even disorienting, way.

Instead, I just feel very expansive, like I can suddenly "see" how the contours of my life sort of all "fit together", and that there is an organizing principle at work that is normally obscured to us.

When in such a state, life seems richer, and more full of possibilities.

additionally, i have realized now that i seem to have 3 dominant "modes of being", each with a characteristic personality, behavior style, level of charisma, level of drive, method of thinking, method of perceiving, etc. (like 3 completely different people)

the three modes could be called like my depressed self, my normal self, and my connected self

each mode exists because it represents long periods of time (years) that i spent 'being' each of them

(interestingly, i have been going through an awakening process for a long time, back and forth, but even if it is back and forth, the 'connected' version of me, was brought into being more and more on each attempt)

for a number of months now, i have been functioning at a very high-level "normal" version of myself: happy, stable, consistent, healthy, etc.

but today i woke up, and sort of transcended that, and suddenly found myself as my "fully connected" self that honestly i wasn't really in since last summer

it is weird, almost like no time has passed

and i literally (and i say literally) picked up today where i left off 1 year ago May the people of this world be free.

I am glad I took some time today to catch up and check in on the forums. Your sharing Benjamin, I find to be very inspirational! Thank you!!!

I had a hard time sleeping this past week - I have been dealing with similar issues like you and I found myself contemplating "am I doing what I need to do?" "Am I working towards what I want as a grown up (I jokingly say to others, that I am still trying to figure out what it is I want to do when I am all grown up 🙂 )

Anyway, I have been thinking about when I am at my most connected happy self/state, and what I have been learning is that, I am happiest when I home and physically close to Mike and the kids. Challenging my beliefs about what it means to be happy and successful has had its ups and downs throughout my life, and I realized it's because I tend to ignore what truly makes me happiest - and that is, I just need to be near my people. So, I am so happy for you and will be visualizing you and your family in your new home.

I am grateful for all your hard work, dedication, and help as Mike and I work on the LP. Your growth journey and experiences truly help us as we are developing the LP system.



Gina- thank you for the nice words, especially saying you will see me+my family in our new home. I have a good feeling about it; I think it is going to work out for us! And we are definitely going through a process of becoming more firmly rooted down.

I really like being involved with the LP and sharing my experiences. I used to have the idea to write a book about my LP-inspired growth "someday", but now-a-days I am just more pragmatic, and posting on the forums to share my experiences.

Regarding your observation that you are happiest/most aligned when you are in your home with your family, probably that is something that is worth paying attention to. Do you think that is an example of [spwiki]signal emotions[/spwiki]??

I think our society has a lot of conflicting and ugly messages about what exactly it means to be "successful."

Do you think the concept of success should be re-defined (or at least augmented) to include LP-concepts such as alignment? (I think our existing definition of success basically means to be financially successful.)

I am struggling with this issue too right now, because I am for sure (!) the most [spwiki]aligned[/spwiki] I've ever been, but i am simultaneously the most broke (!) i've ever been.

This is a huge issue because my wife and my mom both have a lot of "problems" with me [haha] now because they think I am not "living up to my potential" in my work life currently... but what they really mean is that they think i should be earning more money!!

But I feel so "successful" and aligned right now, that it is proving hard for me to find the motivation to "jump back into" a traditional 9-to-5 "role" which will mean much higher pay, but at the expense of in essence getting to be myself. May the people of this world be free.

I feel like I have become "creatively unblocked". Several years ago I had the inspiration all at once to create a visualization/piece of art to help "unleash" one's creative energies, via willful intent. I believe now that was part of a process of me really starting to ground and get my lower chakra energies flowing.

Anyway, I have found that writing (and creating, in general) is becoming my passion, and is a very useful tool for helping to "process through" my issues.

I believe the process is similar to metabolism, in the sense that we have to "metabolize through" our (emotional) experiences so they don't become blockages.

Anyway, one particular issue I faced around 2004 to about 2007 was a psychotic episode relating to amphetamine abuse. I came to believe in 911 (and related) conspiracy theories, but took them to an all-consuming level. Ironically, the horror and existential crisis I was facing were "real" in the sense that I was (and still am) extremely traumatized by witnessing the U.S. government's response to the 911 attacks.

Therefore, I have been working on healing and processing through that experience this entire time. (Note: I don't think full healing can ever take place until some sort of "national" or "international" healing/atonement takes place for the entire "war on terror.")

So today I was doing a reading/writing assignment for my UoPeople English class, and found myself using the writing assignment as a cathartic way of "processing through" blockages in my mind/psyche re: some of my experiences during 911 and its aftermath:

This week's reading consisted of both a New York Time's "article", and a "creative non-fiction story" by journalist Hunter S. Thompson published on For sure I preferred Hunter S. Thompson's piece. When I was in college, I read his book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", and Thompson quickly became on of my favorite authors; I really liked his raw, counter-cultural, "question authority" writing style.

Reading the New York Times article actually was very triggering for me. It was written in the dry, boring, "factual" style typical of the mainstream media. It didn't keep my attention, and I had trouble even finishing the article. But it wasn't just the dry style of the article that upset me.

I am an American, from the United States, and I lost all confidence in our media institutions (and government) during/after 9-11. Personally, I came to regard the mainstream media as little more than a propaganda outlet for the United States government. At that time, I suffered in essence an existential crisis, quit paying my federal taxes, and literally threw away my TV. Additionally, as I am very proud to say, I have also completely abstained from all media consumption to this day. (I later paid back the taxes I owed because of threats from the IRS several years later.)

I am personally appalled a the New York Times and its pathetic slogan "all the news that's fit to print." To me, what that phrase really means is "all the news that doesn't contradict or challenge the economic status quo in any way, and for sure doesn't present any point of view contrary to the official U.S. government "narrative" in any way."

Hunter S. Thompson's piece struck me as much more truthful and compassionate towards the innocent people the U.S. would soon be slaughtering in retaliation for 9-11.

It is a national tragedy that the war criminals who were in power in the United States during the fraudulent "war on terror" were never brought to justice. While it isn't within my power to prosecute them, I am happy to report I have done everything I can to distance myself from corporate control over my life and mind, especially by avoiding their propaganda outlets.

As a matter of fact, once when I was confronted by a particularly pushy and obnoxious newspaper salesman in the shopping mall, after he asked me: "What? You don't take the paper?", I simply replied, "Nope; I just use toilet paper." May the people of this world be free.

"I was confronted by a particularly pushy and obnoxious newspaper salesman in the shopping mall, after he asked me: "What? You don't take the paper?", I simply replied, "Nope; I just use toilet paper.""


Hey Ben - I am in a course as well right now (graduate Psychological Ethical Standards) and the other day I had to post something about my own cultural understanding of self and how my worldview impacts clients seeking out therapy. Anyway, I realized how angry and disillusioned I was for much of my 20's and 30's. In my 40's I took a break and allowed myself to learn my craft as a therapist. Listening to other peoples pain stories, and watching Mike evolve his spiritual intellectual work, made me realize the other day 1) confronting the lies that held me hostage, you know those lies that prevented me from being safe, secure, and creative, are almost all gone, and 2) and my insight into how misguided a lot of professionals in the healing professions truly are, and how they are doing more harm than good. Most of us have no conscious awareness of why things are done and who is dictating why it has to be done. We blindly just accept. When we can't conform or when we feel something negative, you know can't swallow the pill so to say, then we accept that it is just something we have to figure out. I mean it literally becomes the individuals own problem(s).

I am glad to see us all working together and supporting one another shedding our veils!


In my other thread about awakening, somehow I had the idea to broadly organize my story into three creative moments.

Lumping the first twenty years of life into "creative moment 1" I find a useful conception because it is helping me realize that my early life experiences were in essence the story of being traumatized by a toxic socialization process.

"Coming to grips" with our childhood I think is hard because of its contradictory nature. On the one hand, we want to remember (or at least frame) our experience in a positive way. And in a certain sense (at least under relatively healthy and prosperous conditions) childhood is definitely a magical time.

But my exposure to the LP worldview has changed how I think of my childhood quite a bit. I came from a very wealthy and well-educated family, living in the the richest country on the planet. So I was very fortunate, and I had parents who loved me.

But what was my experience like "really"?

Recently I have recovered some memories from my first several years of school, and I found myself being very angry. During that time, my love of drawing was taken away from me. I was at my mom's house recently, and was looking through some old photographs, and somehow I came across a picture I had drawn in 1st or 2nd grade. It was a picture of a pterodactyl, and across the bottom of the page I had written in an un self-conscious letters "Pterodactly means flying dragon."

[at this point, I entered into a stream-of-thought connected stated, and typed out the below in one fell swoop. i start off discussing being 6 years old, in the first grade]

I don't remember the specifics of that year. It is lost in a blur, but the memories i have are sad ones. The teacher had some sort of a nervous breakdown during the year, which was 'covered up' by the school. Apparently she was later exposed to have been systematically traumatizing the most precocious boys over the course of many years. What memories I have are scattered, but I remember coming from school and hiding behind the garage and crying. I too remember her holding up my papers for some reason, getting the whole class to laugh at me. And I remember her making me stand in the corner, crying at the seeming unfairness of it. I just couldn't figure out how to avoid being picked on. And i remember an early act of defiance. She was holding up a paper we had made, because somebody hadn't written their name on it. She grew increasingly mad, almost screaming "It has to be somebody's?? Whose paper is this?". And I knew full well it was mine, but I didn't answer. Maybe it was because I was afraid of her. But part of me thinks even at the age of 6 years old, there was part of me that resisted what was happening. I have always had that attitude, and I remember being older and having my father beat me, where my tendency was to fight back. It was just who I was; it infuriated him, and made him much more violent with me as he lost control of himself. My mother went crazy a lot; that's what we called it. Looking back, she was entirely emotionally absent, and I still struggle with the fact that I never felt like my mother loved, or really even cared about me. At some point a rift formed between us, and even to this day, I sometimes she and I go through phases where she starts acting loving or friendly towards me, and then "retreats" all at once, pretending like she doesn't know who I am, not speaking to me for months. And she does that pretending like she isn't doing that-- being very friendly and present with everybody else except me; she practices "shunning", and currently has me, her sister, and her one aunt [that i know of] in "shun status", which has latest in my case for my entire life, at least since I was a teenager. I was talking before about first grade. My neighbor was my best friend, and she was only 6 or 7 years old, and was being molested (and even raped) by her father. I can see that as an adult, but at the time I had no way to know it. All I knew was that she and I spent a lot of time exploring sexuality together as 5 and 6 year old children. I found out later that she did that with several other neighborhood boys too. Eventually our parents learned about it, but it didn't actually help the situation. It just brought shame to everybody, and didn't actually stop the behaviors until I was several years older, and able to make my own decision (i.e. grew strong enough mentally and psychologically) to stop engaging with her. My memory of it happening was back behind her barn. There was a stream back there, where all the water from our yards drained into a distant pond. And for some reason we played by the stream too, and we liked to make "dams" in the water-- not out of malice at all, but just for fun; it was just something we did. But looking back, I think now that the same way were preventing the water from freely flowing was almost like an external reflection of the internal blockages that were being created in us. In my own case, it wasn't until I was 19 years old, severally and suicidally depressed, abusing drugs and alcohol, that I had the marijuana-induced insight that I "was afraid of girls." It was such an obvious statement, but somehow I didn't know it. When I'd hit puberty in approximately 7th grade, I turned completely inward; I remember I "found" John Tolkien, and started to read voraciously. I become very disassociated, and though I was smart, I started failing all my classes. I don't remember everything that happened, but eventually my parents sort of 'gave up' on me. I started doing computer programming, and my room was in the basement. I learned Basic, C, assembler, and pascal, all on my own, and in essence didn't emerge from the basement between 7th grade and high school. My mom was a lawyer, and worked far away, involved with situations of which I knew nothing. As I said, I mostly remember her as "going crazy" occasionally. Normally we both just sort of existed in the same household, and everything "was fine." But an undercurrent of pathology was present, and I remember her getting psychotic, which would inevitably result in my father beating me. The one time I remember in particular, he was hitting me with a belt, and I managed to grab the belt with my arm, wrapping it around my arm and hand, and i overpowered him. It drove him into a psychotic rage; he just couldn't get the belt out of my grasp. I remember him kicking me as I screamed and held on for dear life. Eventually he went into the closet and just got another one. Back in the first grade: I started peeing my pants at that point, and even worse. and i definitely turned into a bully. I started terrorizing those who were younger weaker, especially my younger brother. He is low-functioning now, and never worked or had any relationships, living at home with my mom. He doesn't speak to me, and probably never will. If we are in the same room, he literally pretends he doesn't see me, and has maintained that level of shunning (which he gets for my mom) unabaiting for many years. And I remember being in only 1st grade, and being afraid the girl who was abusing me would get pregnant. Even at that time, somehow I knew that babies came from sex. And I remember thinking about "how i would have to kill the baby" if that happened. The most important thing was to make sure our parents wouldn't find out what we were doing. and i even had a plan. i would have to smash it with a brick. laying in bed at night, i thought about my plan, and practiced telling myself "I will be able to do it", because I knew it would be hard to have to kill a baby, but i knew it was something that must be done, so i would do it even if it was hard. The fact that a 6 year old couldn't get pregnant wasn't something that i understood. AFter my 1st grade year, I never drew again. and although I was tested as gifted, my eyes were bad. and somehow my parents never really helped me; i got glassed, but didn't wear them to school. so in around 4th grade, i quit being able to see the board. and that is when i started cheating in class. That lasted many years, and looking back that is when I lost my authenticity. I became a liar, and a cheater, and eventually by the time I was graduated from college, I stared to steal. The stealing that I did was idiosyncratic, because i was working by that time as a computer programmer, and was making a lot of money. But i was abusing dextromethorphan heavily, which was a very very powerful drug, but was readily available in cough syrups that i could get at any drug store. i could have full well paid for it, and i often did. but for reasons that i didn't understand at the time, i started to steal them as well. And I don't even go into my first marriage. imagine as dysfunctional as I was, and then imagine a partner who was at least as much so. the whole thing lasted ten years, and although a beautiful daughter resulted from it, it was the most dehumanizing experience of my life. Eventually I left her, and just up and moved to Boston. I ended up comming back, but while I was there, I had [what i realize now] was an initial awakening experience. it was fueled by amphetamines, and was pretty pathological. but it changed my life, and eventually led me to discover the lightning path on the internet.

It took almost 13 years of healing to end up where I am now, which is a story for another day. May the people of this world be free.

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