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One thing I have noticed recently, is that I have a lot of guilt and shame regarding my childhood.

In one sense, my childhood was very good, and I lived in a very wealthy country [USA], had plenty of great experiences, had enough to eat, came from a big, and interesting family that loved me, etc. etc.

But on a different level, my childhood was very bad and i went into depression early. I became an increasingly distant, withdrawn, overly-introverted, and acted like a bully to my younger siblings. I also really mistreated my parents, and spent a lot of years sort of 'hating' them.

On a final [and sad note], my one brother has not spoken to me in years and years, and i have felt bad about that for a long time.  I kept thinking he would eventually 'snap out of it', but it has been going on 10 years or something and if we happen to be in the same room, he pretends he doesn't even see me.

I have been giving that a lot of thought, and i think the best way to 'serve' him [i.e. respect his autonomy] is to just accept tha he doesn't want me in his sphere. I think it is OK for me to hold the intention [in my heart] that maybe one day our relationship could be healed. But in a practical sense, I have decided that the best thing I can do is to give him his space.

But I have been wondering, what is a good way to make atonement for some of how I feel?

 

https://www.kundalinisoftware.com May the people of this world be free.

I agree that dealing with family is difficult and is emotionally challenging given what you understand now.

The first option you mentioned is good to accept the possibility that he may not want anything to do with you. Perhaps your legitimate concern of approaching him about it may cause verbal, emotional or physical backlash/retaliation against you. Always listen and allow him to vent, but not allow him to cause harm to you in any way.

I would say that it's best to go slow, when you intuit the opportunity to approach the matter with this 'formula.' It could be done in one conversation or multiple ones, but it depends on the family member and your energy level at that moment.

Acknowledge the fact that he's angry at you and understands why he treats you as if you do not exist. Empathize with it and express clearly your ownership in your part in it, the remorse you feel about it (however your HS guides you to say so). Wait for him to open up. If he declines the opportunity in some form outright, then don't push the issue.

If he does soften a bit, ask if he wants to hear briefly what contributed to those actions and results, with the fullest intentions of never hurting again. If he becomes more open, express that and the hope of having an opportunity to begin the atonement/healing process for the relationship if he is willing to do so and how to make that happen. If he agrees, then it's great, else leave him to his space.

By doing this you are taking responsibility, thus freeing yourself of the emotional weight (who's to say by how much though)being carried for a long time, even though this still presented an opportunity of the willingness to heal and rebuild trust over time for all affected. Check in with yourself afterwards, of course.

Makes sense?

I think maybe write your brother a letter apologizing for your behaviour and taking full ownership, i.e., be fully Accountable for your actions. Accountability is the second step in the Connection Framework.  After you do that, you'll have a better idea what you need to do to atone.

I'm curious what caused you to go into depression. Obviously, there was shit happening in your life and you took anger out on your brother and others. You may want to have a clear idea of that so you can at least give your brother a reason why you treated him like shit. This might help him understand why you did the things you do. The better he understands, the more likely he will be to forgive.

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Quote from Michael.S on December 14, 2018, 7:22 am

I think maybe write your brother a letter apologizing for your behaviour and taking full ownership, i.e., be fully Accountable for your actions. Accountability is the second step in the Connection Framework.  After you do that, you'll have a better idea what you need to do to atone.

This is a good idea, and I will work on doing it.

 

I'm curious what caused you to go into depression. Obviously, there was shit happening in your life and you took anger out on your brother and others. You may want to have a clear idea of that so you can at least give your brother a reason why you treated him like shit. This might help him understand why you did the things you do. The better he understands, the more likely he will be to forgive.

I had sexual abuse in my early child hood at the hands of an older neighbor girl. I rationalized it away a lot later on [as an adult] because it didn't involve another adult, it was just a slightly older girl than me.

But actually, I have came to fully realize [especially in light of my study of your LP materials] just how profound of an effect my early unresolved childhood sexual experiences had on my life.

First of all, it definitely caused me to turn into a bad bully to my younger siblings. That is something that I will regret my whole life. There are actually 4 of us, and I am the oldest. Two of my younger siblings I have very good relationships with as an adult.

But my brother who I mentioned in the post above, as I said, doesn't speak to me anymore. As a young man in my early twenties [when my brother was say about 17/18 years old] we were very close, and best friends sort of. But around that time, he became very mentally unwell and never got a job or anything since and just lives at home. He is very very low functioning, and my mom supports him. There was some belief that had may have schizophrenia or similar. So I have a lot of guilt that I "made" him like that, and I actually talked to my mom about that specific guilt that I had, but she said and believes that he is schizophrenic and it is biological in nature.

Anyway, the sexual abuse messed up very bad my relationship with my mom, and also my siblings, and caused me to sort of 'shutdown' socially and academically in school at some point. As a very young [elementary school age] kid, I was very bright and popular and athletic, but by the time we entered puberty age I was very socially withdrawn, getting flunking grades, and entering into severe depression. At that time, depression wasn't really known or acknowledged as much as it was now. My parents had a lot of problems with me, and they often turned to beating me in their frustration.

I think eventually my mom just sort of "gave up" on me, and took a laissez faire attitude.. which manifested itself in an indifference and emotional detachment from me that lasted up until very recently [when our adult relationship actually started getting healed.]

So by the time I was in high school, I was getting all F's and almost flunking out, despite the fact that I was very intellectual [having been raised in an intellectual family] and a lover of learning. So it setup a bad dichotomy in me, whereby I wasn't really "being" myself, and I always had a sense that how I was acting [flunking out of school, doing drugs, hanging out with bad people] wasn't the "real me."

After I did a drug overdose in my early twenties and dropped out of college after a few semesters, my mom asked my one uncle to help me get a software job, and I entered the working world at that point as a software engineer which lasted for more than 15 years. (as i have chronicled in other posts.)

Finally now in the present moment, after many years of healing work on many different levels, most prominently of which is my engagement with the LP, I am finally emerging as my true self.

I am living a very clean and aligned life, and I am enrolled in an online university again pursuing my paused educational aspirations.

But the effects of even [relatively] mild childhood sexual abuse is really profound, and has an effect across the entire lifespan until it is properly healed and addressed, I believe.

hope that answers your question

https://www.kundalinisoftware.com May the people of this world be free.

I actually talked to my mom about that specific guilt that I had, but she said and believes that he is schizophrenic and it is biological in nature.

That's not true. it would have been the toxic environment that he grew up in. To be sure, your bullying probably contributed. But, it's not your entire fault. It takes a lot more to create a schizophrenic than just bullying at the hands of a single sibling. There has to be 'failures of care" everywhere. No doubt your mother bears responsibility, but then so do the people who hurt you (teachers, other actors), and even society.

It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a toxic village to fuck that child up. It takes a village devoted to healing to make it all right again.

But the effects of even [relatively] mild childhood sexual abuse is really profound, and has an effect across the entire lifespan until it is properly healed and addressed, I believe.

yup. sexual assault is a major boundary violation and it does major damage to the Bodily Ego. There is no such thing as a "minor" sexual assault.

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Accepting how much damage was done to me, and how much I perpetuated on others is a tough pill to swallow. I have given a lot of thought towards how I can work to atone [make right] for some of the past. I think it will be an ongoing thing for me. But in the meantime, I am making a solid commitment to specifically heal myself to the greatest extent possible. Really working to do that in an authentic way is a big commitment, and is something that I am really dedicated to achieving. But I think that in the short term, really healing myself and living and aligned life to the very best of my ability is a prerequisite step for being in a solid position to help others.

https://www.kundalinisoftware.com May the people of this world be free.
Quote from benjamin pritchard on December 28, 2018, 5:35 am

Accepting how much damage was done to me, and how much I perpetuated on others is a tough pill to swallow.

Yup. But you're not alone. We all have to swallow the same pill.

 

I have given a lot of thought towards how I can work to atone [make right] for some of the past. I think it will be an ongoing thing for me. But in the meantime, I am making a solid commitment to specifically heal myself to the greatest extent possible. Really working to do that in an authentic way is a big commitment, and is something that I am really dedicated to achieving. But I think that in the short term, really healing myself and living and aligned life to the very best of my ability is a prerequisite step for being in a solid position to help others.

The first step is always to "heal thyself." Or, as I like to say, you can't save a drowning person if you are drowning yourself.

The LP Has the LP Medicine Wheel which is a representation of the circles of healing we must all go through. It starts with self and moves out into family, community, society, and planet.

Gina and I are also working on LP Workbook Two: Healing, which will hopefully be available in draft in about a month. That workbook has several "focus points" which people can use to help focus their healing work.

 

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