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Needs, Chakras, Hurt, Conditioning

I am undergoing a difficult period right now emotionally. I don't want to expand on it, but it made me think about the relationship between Needs, chakras, hurt and conditioning.

After thinking about needs, I asked myself whether or not we need to meet our needs. I seem to be incapable of creating an environment where those are met. Or, even if I do, then, almost magically, it tends to go awry rather fast. I'm frustrated about this. Very much so. And I'm thinking of a long term, no strings attached solution.

So I started thinking about needs. They always seem to get "in my way". I know needs are my body telling me: "I need this to function properly, and I need that to function properly, feeeeeed meeee!" And frankly, I am getting a bit tired of this. I want my needs to feed from the inside, from within, where there is no condition, no strings attached, nothing that hampers the gratification of those needs. I want my needs met straight from my soul, not from external, "earthly" things.

Ironically, I believe that my RMC aims for the same goal. Interestingly, looking back at the trajectory of my history, it seems I become more and more independent of "earthly" things. I became detached from some things, like status, wealth, or esteem from others. Some of these went easily and naturally, others more difficult. The difficulty is directly related to the kind of conditioning I had as a child, the needs I got met and those I haven't as a child, and also of the ideology that has been put into my head. Paradoxically, it seems that my RMC attempts to make me "needless" (i.e. independent, satiated, ever-content) by breaking hard-coded conditioning and beliefs. I say paradoxically, because the theme is always the following:

  1. Take a need that has been severely unmet in my childhood/adolescence. The PU has learned to cope with the situation, mostly by downplaying the need, shutting down the ability to feel that need, or otherwise close energetic circuits which allow that need to express its neediness. With other words, similar to what aspirin does. It kills the nerves which signal the pain. In the same manner, did my PU "cope" with certain conditions. It killed the "nerves" of the need-organ.
  2. Next, create a situation in which this need gets revitalized. This is no easy work. In order for this to happen, the right circumstances have to occur. They must be protective enough to not scare the PU. They also need to be actually fulfilling that need. Thus, the body learns that having that need is ok, because it is not a constant source of pain anymore. It acknowledges that it's "safe" to make use of that part of the body again.
  3. Next, an abrupt end of the source that gratifies the need occurs, leaving me in quite some pain.

This course of events, or very similar ones, happened a lot in my life. They are quite repetitive. Sometimes I "learn" from it, and manage to get rid of the underlying cause which creates the need in the first place. For instance, the need to meet the expectations of others. You might say this is not a need, certainly not an essential need, but it is also linked to one of the essential needs, the need for esteem. By cutting down the ideas/fears that prompted me to meet the expectations of others, I have not lost one bit of esteem. In fact, the opposite happened.

I wonder if it is possible to do the same with the seven essential needs.

I wonder if it is possible to create an ideological system which allows free flow of chakra energies to meet the needs. Thus, gaining your strength, wisdom and knowledge, the fortitude to withstand the hardships of life, the compassion and love like a well that never gets depleted purely from within. By the way, I recently realized that love is not a vector but a scalar. Love is not directed, it is just there. Love is like temperature. It spreads around like hot air, "convincing" the surrounding air to have the same temperature (love).

 

For instance, the need to meet the expectations of others. You might say this is not a need, certainly not an essential need, but it is also linked to one of the essential needs, the need for esteem

The need for self-esteem should be met primarily in childhood, by parents and a school system tuned into that requirement. The goal is to create in the child a strong internal sense of self-esteem, one that isn't so dependent on what others think. Usually, that doesn't happen, so we enter adults with this need "externalized" as a need for status, wealth, or an over-concern with the opinions of others, etc.  When that's the case, people get caught in the kind of cycle you find yourself in, always dependent on others, and always frustrated and disappointed. This is not because others cannot meet our needs, but because most people don't really understand this basis of human health, and most people themselves have unmet needs, and so their motivation is primarily Deficit Motivation, which is a mode of being where their bodily ego is going around trying to meet unmet needs. In this mode, you are nothing more than a potential source of gratification. If you don't gratify, they'll drop you like a hot potato, and your own needs will be frustrated as well.

As an adult, you can get by without meeting some of your needs. Obviously some are essential, food, clothes, shelter, entertainment, connection, but others can be met internally. A strong connection, for example, can help you with your need for power and self-esteem.  And the need for alignment is something only you can satisfy, by engaging in aligned action. So ya, your sense is correct.

Key to remember, as adults we have a lot of control about how and when our needs are met. As children, however, we are totally dependent. An enlightened society will do everything it can to ensure the Seven Essential Needs of its children are met so they can grow up healthy, aligned, and connected.

 

-- All you need is love...

I seem to be incapable of creating an environment where those are met. Or, even if I do, then, almost magically, it tends to go awry rather fast. I'm frustrated about this. Very much so. And I'm thinking of a long term, no strings attached solution.

Hey Aim and others,

One of the things I have been learning as a healer is that when we start to connect i.e. when we start to see where exactly our hurt and pain and suffering is located, we go through stages of awareness. The first stage is like being a broad castor; we have learned something and have connected to it, and our highest self (HS) wants to scream it out to everyone, "hey look at me, I am here and I can help myself and others." Eventually we get tired when those around us, who look at us with their odd looks, undermine us with their gestures and comments, that we either start to second guess ourselves, and or we retreat and do our work behind our "closed doors."

And, for those of us, who continue to our work behind our proverbial closed doors, we create our own private sanctuaries to continue our healing and connection work. But, because we are designed to be connected i.e. we are social beings and are in need of connecting with others, we peek out behind our closed doors and put ourselves back "out there." For some of us, we get hammered by others, and for some of us, we actually find others like us. My point is to you and others is don't give up.

When you stated that you contemplate whether to proceed with "a no strings attached" kind of view, I suspect you don't mean this, because doing so causes disjuncture. However the need to self preserve does need to be taken into consideration. I too struggle with this. I sometimes see the state of the world and wonder, "how on earth are we going to heal people?" especially when all the hard work we and others have been doing is truly under attack by those who profit off our disconnection experiences.

Does anyone else struggle with this work?

G

In this mode, you are nothing more than a potential source of gratification. If you don't gratify, they'll drop you like a hot potato, and your own needs will be frustrated as well.

bwahahahaha! that is precisely what happened. Well put, thanks a lot.

If I wouldn't have this inexplicable, seemingly endless hope for humanity, I would have lost hope in humans long ago, especially whenever I realize in what pitiful state we are in. Thanks for your post Mike, it gave me a very good perspective on things and instantly made it easier to accept reality. (the facts)

Reading your post Gina, I realize how little experience I have with conscious self-healing. Even though I think of myself as being a person with good introspective skills, I find it very hard to "locate" the hurt. It is simply not very obvious. I mean the exact reason here. I just know my self-esteem is seriously damaged. It actually generates physical pain in the solar-plexus region. In effect, the body "remembered" a period of very traumatic experiences I had as a teenager. The style of psychosomatic pain, the "tightness" of the nervous system around the solar plexus, it is exactly the same as it was then. I haven't managed to heal that trauma - far from it - all I managed was to escape from it. And as I see, it keeps recurring in weaker form whenever I allow the social circumstances to link to that set of experiences.

Anyhow, thanks for your help. I now know what I need to do.

Greetings, Aim

Even though I think of myself as being a person with good introspective skills, I find it very hard to "locate" the hurt.

Hi Aim and others,

You raise important points and because of your transparency, I am going to try to further this conversation, because it is needed. Many of us who our on our proverbial "paths" to whatever it is we are needing or seeking, will hit walls. The hard part is trying to figure out if these experiences our own walls, or if the walls we experience belong to someone else, or both.

Last night, thinking about LP and what we need to do next, and during my downtime, Mike and I and our kids watched the movie last night about Fred Rogers aka Mr. Rogers. Watching this amazing person, who chose a life to see the good in others and to do his best in connecting made my heart melt but also made me realize how unfortunate most of us are when it comes to our intimate relationship experiences. For me, it made me realize if I had someone in my life in my earlier formative years; someone who allowed me to grow and learn from my life experiences in a non violent way; would I be different today? Would I be more trusting? More resilient? Less needy? What I mean is, if my protectors were more healthier, had better knowledge of what it means to love and protect, would I be who I am or would I be someone else? I think of these things all while knowing that those who were supposed to protect and love me, were also damaged by their providers before me. I think and believe that our relationship needs and struggles are rooted in these experiences. We are who we are, because of who has loved us or has not really loved us. And not being loved, or resigning to not being loved is not the key. WE ALL NEED LOVE.

I think when we are confronted with taking control or ownership of our growth needs, we get stuck in assuming that despite being open and transparent, and allowing ourselves to be accommodating and forgiving, and when we share this, those who are not "there" yet, or cannot "see," end up seeing us as a way to exploit the circumstances of our own growth and healing as their own i.e. it is our issue for demanding more; it is our issue that we feel and think, it is our issues that we are too selfish and not accommodating to others who choose to stay stuck etc.

Is it their fault? YES/Maybe. I say yes/maybe because despite being transparent and forthcoming, many persons will state that they HEAR what it is we are needing and working towards, and they will SAY that they accept and maybe even understand, but they accept because that is what they are thinking that they want us to hear or have been conditioned to respond to what it is that they think they need to do. Likewise, us newbies who are on our paths to growth and healing, are so desperate to be truly loved, so we blindly allow ourselves to hear what is being told to us BUT!!! the problem ends up always being about them or us and never really about what is really going on. That is, we are all afraid to succumb to being loved or giving love. And because of that, we end up resorting to our ARMs as a way to cope instead.

We individualize our needs because we can't trust that the "other" is going to follow through. It is kind of like trying to jump into the deep end of the swimming pool or lake despite not really knowing how to swim. We see the guard rails e.g. the life preserver, the life guards, but if the circumstances prevent those who say they are there to protect us and be there for us, and in the end, we find out that they are really not there for us, we end up either sinking or swimming ourselves to our own safety. Depending on the experience, we can choose to be connected while disconnected, or we give up and slowly drown.

Those of us who are working our proverbial assess off to make our lives, and the lives of those whom we are responsible for, more meaningful and healthier, will most likely be let down because we are putting those needs that WE need in the hands of those who just don't know, or who just don't get it, or who really don't care. Again, who is right and who is wrong? Or is this really a matter of right and wrong?

I hear this a lot from my clients. My clients are those who have loved and loved and loved. And despite giving their love, they end up being abused. When they see a reason, or a path forward and try to teach those who they love to come along for the journey, because the journey will move the relationship forward and provide a healthier deeper meaning, unfortunately, they end up being let down or hurt. They end up being hurt and let down because those whom they are asking, or seeking out, are not prepared to really be "there." Those who say they are "there" are not really there because they are not prepared to really love. Unfortunately, many people don't know how to really love and instead buy into their scripts of love and end up making excuses or blame those who make them feel uncomfortable when they are being challenged for not providing us with our own needs. So we end up blaming them and they end up blaming us.

So what can a person do? Mike and I are working on answering this, but for now, I think we need to explore this, share this, and come up with strategies that are non violent or abusive in order to come up with healthier ways of connecting and meeting our needs. Choosing to live a life in safety in order to work through these issues with those whom we trust, or a professional, or  other sources etc.,  without having any real connections while trying to be connected, is a gamble. To me this is not realistic  i.e. working towards our own growth and healing with those whom we trust are being connected when in fact they are not. Likewise, when we consciously are disconnecting for our own self preservation, isn't ideal either. As I said in my above post, we are meant to be connected, and this includes being connected to others. So we need to talk and talk and talk. We need to listen and listen and listen. We need to scrutinize and scrutinize and scrutinize, so that whatever it is we discover, create, and implement, we are asserting our needs and demands that our conducive to all living beings well being and that addresses the "why's" of our rooted pain and experiences.

Remember, there are more of us that think and believe in the potential of connection than those who are sadistic, masochistic, hedonistic and narcissistic. Us HEALERS just see, feel, and process at a different level, so we need to get those who are stuck to take off their blindfolds of deceptions, so they too can experience what it truly means to be loved. But reserve the right to say no thank you when it is us who is being threatened.

G

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