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Triggers


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What triggers me?

These are the ones that stand out and give me physical pains, surely there may have been more that are similar. Please note, most of them are cringe-worthy

1) The presence of a person yelling or 'projection yelling' at me when I've done nothing wrong to the individual in a way that points blame at me personally as if 'I' did something badly to the person when it was obviously not true, it happens a lot when working in call centers and there are toxic dissatisfied people who want to blame and spew passive-aggressive remarks which are totally different from venting, though. By then I already don't want to help or talk to them but want to hang up on the call and (hope the UPS truck breaks down.)
Sources of wounds:
a) while growing up mom or dad would be upset about a person, situation, not doing homework or dishes on time, bad grades, not doing something 'correctly' or simply not being able to pay a bill on time, and their anger just made me feel like the lowest, incompetent person
b) from an previous job 3 years ago, a supervisor makes too much drama about calls holding and people already working on one, and walk up to talk to me as a 'less than' under false pretenses 'related to work'. I've had my share of sarcastic remarks on that one which was, "Please come back to me when you can speak to me like a human being and not a slave. thank you."
c) at another job in the same 3 year time frame. During training for a new job, I was accused openly in from of other co-workers nasty tone and all, of jumping ahead to another lesson by the trainer, who had her back turned and was standing on the other side of room unable to see my screen. This was handled much better, as shocked as I was, I advised her that a module was just completed and was clearing my screen waiting on her, then ask what the issue was in a calm direct manner; she had no more words for me.

2) When I feel strongly about a topic and sharing it with someone whose opinion about it feels like an invalidation, which leaves me angry, defensive and embarrassed and end up apologizing for the over-the-top response.
Sources of wounds -- a) Was 10 years old wanting piano lessons badly, was told it was not in the budget, mom makes a remark about how I would make a bunch of mistakes so much so that she mocked me complete with crocodile tears if the teacher corrected me on messing up.

b) I was attending community college and taking up various performing art hobbies. When expressing excitement for selecting one of them for a vocation, dad blurts out, 'you're not gonna make any money on it" I rebut with the question, "how would you know when you've never done it?" He worked in an assembly factory, and even though the damage was done and I felt devastated with a straight face, his silence was priceless.

3) Sexism is a big one, when a guy or multiple ones (it happened in a single trip one time, no kidding, 3 unknown random guys) go out of their way for me in public, to 'help' me with loading my bike to a rack when I don't need it, ask for it, or look their way or expect it. I mastered the ability to lift and load quickly and I don't struggle with it. They approach quickly and don't announce themselves or wait for me to reply , even to the point of attempting to remove the bike out of my hands as they ask;it's rude. I say 'no' automatically and they get mad at me, with being called 'weak', 'bitch', or 'rude' if the guy's female companion is with them I willfully set my boundary, de-escalate and educate, then it dies down.

One guy on another trip who called me 'weak' and a 'bitch', shouting from the other side of the train car, told me not to hurt his bike while I was hanging my bike next to his and telling him 'no thank you'. I asked him 'Does your bike bleed? he replies 'yes' I followed up with '...like your ego?' He looked at me startled and speechless as if I came from another planet. I told him to don't ever talk to me like that again. I saw this guy later in the same week. I caught his glance and he had that same startled look.
These types of males are between 18-50 years old in all skin shades.

I wonder if I had denied these insecure and aggressive guys out of racking up of 'good guy deed' points to redeem their 'karma' for that day or something. (*gasp!* how dare I do that to them!)

Since I ceased bringing my bike along for some months now fearing that I may respond the wrong way, the interactions has now shifted to some random guy who just jumps up to offer his seat to me with a presenting flourish, the bus/train is not at standing capacity. I say nothing and go the other way finding a seat of my choice.
The types of guys who do this are young, nerdy, thin-bodied white males who look like they feel awkward all the time.

Sources of wounds: a) my mom made many statements to me over the years about her needing and wanting me be dependent on man so she could have some grandchildren. I always had a positive rebuttal for her and never understood why she kept pounding it into my head as unhappy as she was in her own relationship. In hindsight being mean as she was, I guess she thought I had too much ambition, sad.
b) At 12 years old returning from the grocery store, a kid a few years or so older than me who lived or visited in the neighborhood pulling a wagon, offered to help me carry my bag home, I said yes, and he rolled away with it causing me lose sight of him. After telling my dad or about it, he was found and got the groceries back, strange af.


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